I’ve been getting some healing the last couple days on a hard subject: how I view my own body. This is a hard one for the women. I know this… my friends, my family–I have not known a woman who hasn’t examined and re-examined her body against some abstract ideal. But no matter how much I know the ineffectiveness of our examinations or attempts to fit into those ideals, I still have had a hard time letting go of self-judgment every time I gain an extra 5 pounds.
I finally had a long talk with Derek about this a few months ago–I have no choice but to be honest with my husband, no matter how much I feel that a guy wouldn’t understand. But I also had to be extremely honest. “I hate the way I look,” was the effect of what I was saying, but I also just cried and said, “Jesus, I am incapable of changing the way I look or the way I’m seeing the way I look. come and form yourself in me here.”
The road through this has not been easy, but I have felt His steadfastness in it all. The last couple days He had me go through parts of my body as He told me the story of each part, and what He thought about it, and what purpose it serves in His kingdom. I believe that each part of our bodies were made as a reflection of a part of Him, and also a part of our earth-role. For example I have a stately long neck but stocky shoulders and arms. I have always disliked my arms and tried to hide them, but I heard him say that it was this surprising combination of being both delicate and strong–both tender and grounded–both regal and tough–that is part of my identity. I have a loud voice, which sometimes comes out at inexpected places (as Derek always says, it is very “Detroit”). It is this regal strength–being able to pronounce strong kingdom messages–while being able to weep with people–that He created in me.
I felt Him wanting me to post this for any other women who might be struggling with this also… let Him take you through your body and tell you how He feels about you. It will surprise you! …The hard part is having to believe when He says what he finds incredibly beautiful and unique. But this is the beginning–is to listen with thankfulness and thank Him for these places. The feelings will come later. But He is wanting us to not agree with lies anymore. No amount of external will-changing will change the internals. Only His Spirit will set us free in this area.
